Falling apart
by stilljustme
Summary: Some roads are too dark to find the way back home.
1. Chapter 1

**This came to me while watching „Mother's Day" for the first time. Oh damn… it seems like no matter how much we torture Danny and Jamie in ff, they are still worse in the series' reality. Honestly, what the hell? It's been a long time since I wanted to reach through the screen and hug Jamie that badly. Anyway, I wanted to do something with these intense moments. Maybe it's total crap, I can't really say right now. Don't hate me. Phrases in italics are quotes from the episode (I hope I got them right).**

_There are the rules, and there's the way it's done.  
><em>Someone tugged at his sleeve and he obediently dropped his gun into a plastic bag. The sharp noise of bullets flying through the street still rang in his ears, reverberating in his veins.  
><em>There are the rules, and there's the way it's done.<em>

Bile rose up Danny's throat. Had those really been his words, just seven hours ago? What had he wanted to prove? What did he still want to prove? That he was in total control of everything?  
>The hell he was.<p>

A voice mumbled something incomprehensible and Danny decided to take it as dismissal. His legs felt heavy as he left the crime scene, as if still loaded with Mackeroy's weight.  
>Officer Liam Mackeroy, killed in the line of duty twenty-three minutes ago.<p>

His breath came out in a wheeze, so embarrassingly loud that it almost drowned the beating of his heart. It had been close. Mackeroy hadn't died because he was slow or not smart enough. He had died because… because… _Why? Give me a reason. Give me a clue…_  
><em>No, Danny. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation<em>.

Jackie's voice faded behind him and Danny forced himself to let the world in again. Just for one moment, just to hear if she was following him.  
><em>Why?<br>Because._  
>The lapse in the fog closed again, trapping Danny in a nightmare that only partly was born out of imagination.<br>Liam Mackeroy had been in Joe's class, ever since high school. They might not have been bet friends, but eventually they all had got to know each other. A good man. A good cop, at least in his very last minutes on the earth. Now he was dead, just as Joe was. Just as Jamie was likely to be soon. Why bother pretending to hope otherwise?

The wheezing noise changed to a gargling. Danny stumbled forward, riveting on the piece of street right under his feet.  
><em>There are the rules, and there's the way it's done.<br>_This was exactly what he had meant. This was what he had wanted Jamie to see. You learn, you practice, you think about everything that could possibly happen. And then it happens and you can't do nothing against it. You thought you were the director but you're just an actor, and someone else does the shooting. All you can do is react, get out your lines and bullets and try to survive. Reaction. Swiftness.  
>There are the rules made by men, and there's the animalistic, instinctive way it's done.<p>

How could he have failed to make Jamie see that? How could he have failed to make Joe see it? How could he, with all he had seen, have left his brothers so unprotected?

_You were a hardass to him, just like you are to me. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how well he died, he could never get your respect!  
><em>The pain on Jamie's face choked him, more than the dead eyes of Liam Mackeroy. Or were it Joe's eyes he felt burning in his back, stabbing him with every step?


	2. Chapter 2

**I wanted to upload this chapter earlier, but unfortunately my laptop decided to crash…so I can't really say when the next chapter will be up. Thank you all who have reviewed, alerted and favorited so far! It really always means a lot to me.**

_I know you don't want to hear it, but ist the truth, so I'm just gonna say it. I don't think you're cut out for the job."  
><em>Jamie clenched his teeth, willing the tears to burn away before they could reach his eyes. Why did he even bother? It really was no secret that Danny contempted what he had chosen to do with his life.

_It's the truth, so I'm just gonna say it.  
><em>Typical Danny to see his opinion as the universal truth, without looking aside, without thinking about the feelings of others, without considering for even one second that his opinion of the world might not be perfect to everyone… why did he bother?  
>This was Danny, he wouldn't change.<p>

Jamie had tried for 26 years.  
>He had done his best to make Danny proud of him, or at least to make Danny accept him – as more than just the lottle boy who always needed to be looked after.<br>It was useless.

_No matter how hard he tried, no matter how well he did, he could never get your respect.  
><em>And Joe had by far been the better cop. The better man. He had planned and followed his way of life, without turning back or circling around for other people's sake.  
>And still it hadn't worked. In Danny's eyes, nothing of what Joe had achieved could ever matter, because Danny had had other plans for his brother, and those planss, of course, must be right.<p>

"Hey, Reagan, ready to go? Break's over!" The forced light-heartedness in Renzulli's voice was quickly drowned by the sympathy in his eyes. He reached out for his former rookie and – awkwardly but encouragingly – patted his shoulders. „You know, your brother isn't the only one who's got an opinion on you. If you ask me, which you should do since I'm your boss, or your colleagues or the captain or your little friends from your undercover work… you know what they'll say? They'll say you're one of the best and most natural they've ever seen. Just a little too soft-hearted. Now let's go."  
>He turned around, giving Jamie another thirty seconds to regain control over himself. He took a deep breath. „Actually I was thinking about my brother Joe" he murmured and bit his lips as the name seemed to tear him apart. Every day for more than three years he missed his best friend. Sometimes it was easier to endure, and sometimes the pain would crash down on him so hard that it made his knees go weak with longing. Like now.<p>

Renzulli froze.  
>"I was wondering" Jamie whispered, "what all the others might…"<br>"They might say the same" Renzulli said hoarsely, guessing the question. They would say the same about him as about you."

So it was right. Jamie nodded and passed the Sarge, filled with rage, grief and a hint of pleasure. So he had been honest to Danny, as Danny had been honest to him. He never had had a chance to get Danny's respect – he was _not cut out for it_.  
>It would never change.<p>

So why did it still hurt? Why did he still get Danny so close to him, why did he still let him hurt and destroy him?  
>Just because of some accident that made them sharing the same blood and home?<p>

"10-30, Creston Avenue. Suspect's fleeing towards Chinatown, black jacket, red hair,…"  
>Jamie's mind went blank.<br>Officer down. Creston Avenue.  
>Danny.<p>

Something stuck in Jamie's throat, making it hard to breathe.  
>Danny.<br>He felt dizzy, the sun suddenly too bright, the world around him too loud.

Danny. He was out there, he was probably hurt, probably…

Another brother. His last brother.

"Jamie? Hey, Jamie!" Impatiently, Renzulli opened the car's door. "Let's go find that son of a bitch!"

Every cell in his body protesting, Jamie got into the car. No. Not again. He could not lose Danny, he could not have his family – Linda, Jack, Sean, his father – lose Danny. He couldn't lose another brother, and Erin couldn't either. It couldn't be.

His fingers dug deeply into his skin but Jamie didn't feel it. What if. What if Danny was waiting for him at the crime scene, lying in a pool of his own blood, dead and deaf to everything Jamie could say to him?  
>Too late to beg forgiveness for what he had screamed at him earlier.<p>

Too late to say how much he still, and no matter what, would always love his big brother.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm tired, Mary. I'm tired."  
>Frank sighed. For another moment he allowed himself to stare at the photograph, then he turned back to his bureau. Leave the past behind… it was one of his favorite pictures, had already been so before he had come to realize how fragile and short-lasting the situation unfolded on it would be: him, Mary and Jamie on his graduation day from high school. While Jamie had his mother's smile, his eyes resembled more Frank's own, and the joy that was radiating from all of their faces still choked him up sometimes. Not only because he still missed Mary every morning and evening, and in the hours that lay between, but also because it had been long since he had seen that smile of satisfaction and vitality on Jamie.<p>

What had happened to his son in that little matter of years?  
>Well, one of the main reasons was wrapping her arms around him on the photograph. Even though all his children had been adults, some of them with a family of their own when Mary had died, they still had lost their mother.<br>And two years later they had lost Joe.

Frank's chin moved forward, preventing the corners of his mouth to go down and give room for some tears he still hadn't shed for his boy. It was true, he had made his peace with the fact that his son, a cop, had been murdered. He knew why and he knew by whom now, and he knew that he would have done the same in Joe's position. He had accepted the cause.  
>But he could never accept the loss.<p>

A knock on the door, followed by its opening, forced him to come back. Frank looked up, trusting his face to become as calm and heartily as New York was used to.  
>Garrett frowned. "You need a holiday, boss."<br>"I just thought so myself."  
>"Oh…" Garrett clearly wasn't convinced. "But I guess after thinking that you should you realized that for some reason you couldn't?" He shook his head in fake despair as Frank chuckled. If nothing else at least he had made the PC smile. There were enough others who failed at that. Example one, the mayor.<br>But that was not the reason he was here now. Garrett nodded slowly, then came closer. It hurt to see his boss mimicking his face, becoming serious and worried in the blink of an eye. But what could you expect from a man who sees every cop under his command as family?  
>"There was a shooting in Creston Avenue two minutes ago. An officer's down, suspect's on the run."<br>Frank nodded gravely. "Chances he'll pull through?"  
>Garrett shrugged. "They couldn't say yet. Which might not be too bad."<br>Another nod. "Who is it?"

Coming to the worst part… Garrett bit his lips. "They're not sure about that either. The call was taken from the 47th precinct, and neither of the three involved officers is from there, so they didn't recognize the voice. Should I call them back and get the names?"

Frank forced himself to keep up what little calmness he still had. "Not yet. They've got other things to worry about now." His cell beeped. "And I do, too. Just make sure every cop on the street looks out for the suspect." He didn't wait for Garrett to nod.

"Hey, Jamie. What can your boss or your father do for you?" Automatically Frank turned back to the photo again. There was nothing he could for his beloved wife anymore. She already was safe and sound in heaven. But he could do something for his son.

Jamie's voice was shaking. "Dad, did you hear about the shooting?"  
>No.<br>"Yes, I did. Are you alright?" His body tightened as if this was a blow he could stand against.  
>"I… I wasn't there."<br>Frank closed his eyes, relief turning his muscles to jelly. He really needed a holiday.

"Dad, do you know who's been shot at?" Jamie's voice was high-pitched with panic, forcing Frank to stay alert when all he wanted was sleep and forget.  
>"No, not yet. They chased the guy a lot through…"<br>"It might be Danny, dad!"

No. The cell shook in his suddenly deaf and limp hands. No, his son was not badly injured. This was not happening again. Danny couln't be hurt because nobody would survive it. Was it that hard to understand? His son was needed by the world to go on, so it couldn't let him die.  
>Easy as that.<br>Ice crept up his body, coating every cell with pain and fear. Don't move, don't look, and maybe fate won't see you.

Just that this never had worked till today.


	4. Chapter 4

Renzulli said he was driving as fast as he could but Jamie seriously doubted it. If he really would be in a hurry he wouldn't have taken the only street crammed with cars. All of New York's car owner seemed to be out there, and just on this one road, met only to help the Sergeant come too late to save Danny.  
>A little part of Jamie knew he was being not only unfair but plainly ridiculous but that part was drowned by the panic that quickly filled his system as the car came to a stop. His watch was ticking loudly, and every second was one second Danny had not to lose. Somewhere he was lying wounded, shot from behind maybe like Joe had been, and… Jamie's mind swirled too much to finish the thought. He was trapped. Cars behind him, cars before him, and worst almost the car he was in, representing the force of the NYPD, representing courtesy, respect, professionalism when all he wanted was run like hell, pushing through the ground and reach his brother.<p>

What if Joe could have been saved?  
>Malevsky's confession had answered many questions but not this one. If anybody had come along after the corrupt cop had shot his brother – would he have been able to save him? Joe had bled out, and it had not taken long, that was all the coroner had told them. But how long? How long had Joe laid there in the dark cold street, waiting for help, waiting for death?<br>How long could Danny lie there and wait?

"This is sergeant Renzulli, we're held up, no chance to get up to Chinatown in time useful for anything. You need anything else?"  
>Jamie's head snapped to the elder man. No chance? What else?<br>Then he understood. Since they were too slow to be helpful at catching the suspect, maybe they could be used to clear the way for the ambulance when it came for Danny.

"Copy. Go back on patrol." The other cop's voice droned heavily through the radio "The man's dead."

The air was empty of oxygen. Jamie's chest hurt with the effort of filling his lungs while his brain as frantically trying to realize what had happened. There was something, something he had to understand, but it was so difficult with the loud beating of his heart that made his head throb.  
>Danny was dead. He was gone.<p>

It was so crazy it made him chuckle. It started deep down in his painfully knotted stomach and moved upwards to his throat, choking him with hysterics. Danny was gone.

Renzulli, frozen for a moment, woke up as the crying laughter hiccupped out of his former rookie. He remembered that sound. Three years ago it had been the only sound greeting him in a dark sidestreet – four cars, seven cops, an ambulance… yet it was silent. Except for detective Danny Reagan, kneeling next to a corpse on the ground, cradling his head in his lap and making that horrible noise. The picture of Joe Reagan lying limply in his big brother's arms still was one of the heaviest stones on Renzulli's heart. Even though he wasn't too fond of the eldest Reagan, and never would be – nobody deserved this kind of pain.

Especially not Jamie.

"Who is the fallen?" Renzulli felt Jamie's eyes riveting on him, as if he had the power to change the answer.  
>"Officer Liam Mackeroy."<p>

Mackeroy. Jamie's lungs filled with air again as the name of the dead whirled around in his head. Mackeroy. He knew that name, had heard it before from Joe, and now… he was gone.  
>He was dead and Danny was alive.<p>

Joy hit him so hard it made his knees wobbly even though he was sitting. A tiny voice crept up in his head telling him not to grin so wide, after all, a man had just died. A family had lost a member, children their father maybe, a wife her husband.  
>But all Jamie could see right now was Danny's family – Jack and Sean who had just not lost their father. Linda who would not mourn her husband's death. Not today.<p>

He was alive. He was an asshole, and one day he would break Jamie or Jamie would break him, but he was alive.

Renzulli cleared his throat.  
>"I understand your feelings, Harvard, I really do, but once we're back at the precinct you better wipe off that smile. A brother's dead, even if it's not yours, he's been ours, understood?"<p>

Jamie bit his lips. "Sure, Sarge." His eyes went own in shame. He needed to calm down… and he needed to make sure it was right. Of course, there was no way of confusing Mackeroy with Danny, but still… he needed to hear it from Danny himself. Even if that would only bring the fight back on. At least that would break his smile.

The sound of his cell was abnormally loud in the narrow street. It drowned the sound of Danny's steps, causing his head to throb again.  
>Purely out of instinct, he checked the caller. Jamie.<br>No. Not now.

The cell beeped on but Danny was determined not to hear it, not to think about it, not to let his little brother get into his head again…

_Or did you just want to make mom turn over in her grave?_

The look in the kid's eyes as he had asked that question. It was a stupid one, and mean, and Danny had known he was overstepping the boundaries then.  
>What he hadn't anticipated was the fear and desperation that at once surged over his little brother. Obviously he had hit it right on the spot. How many times had Jamie asked himself the same question, and to what end?<br>Well, obviously not the right one. Quit the job and do something with his 100,000 dollar-Harvard-graduation.

_Or did you just want to make mom turn over in her grave?_

A new thought made Danny stop. His hand crashed around the cell as he pulled it out again.  
>It wasn't only Jamie.<br>His mom had expected him to take care of his siblings, he was the oldest, it was his job. And even if she would have forgiven him for losing Joe, and in endless prayers Danny finally had come to the conclusion that she actually would never have blamed him, but… she would never forgive him for letting Jamie slip away. From hurting him in a way that only he could because he was the oldest and for some reasons Jamie still was looking up to him.

He couldn't destroy the family.

Danny sighed. "Hey, Jamie."  
>On the other end of the line was a sigh, too, just way more relieved. "Danny! I'm sorry, I just heard about the guy running to Chinatown after shooting a cop and I… I thought it was you."<br>"I see." Danny closed his eyes as the memory came back. "It was one of Joe's old comrades from the academy. But I thought we had the guy?"  
>"Obviously not."<br>"Oh thanks" he could not help snap, "but you didn't know that it wasn't me? Interesting sorting of information that you got."  
>"Wha… Danny, I was just worried."<br>"About me or about…" Danny never finished the sentence as a shot fired through the street, hitting him right in the back.


	5. Chapter 5

Jamie's throat tightened again. No, he just had been there, he couldn't…

"Danny?" he croaked, his hand and voice shaking violently. "Danny, talk to me!"

_It was cold. Very cold, and very much light around. Danny had always thought the world would go darker when you die but instead there was light everywhere… damn, how should he stay away from the light at the end of the tunnel if the light was everywhere?  
>The thought made him laugh. Bad idea. Now it started to hurt. His chest was in flames, and every breath heated them on, blazing through his whole body.<br>He wanted it to stop. Now. Now!  
>Had Joey felt the same when he had died? Had it hurt him so much?<em>

"_Danny? Danny, talk to me!"_  
><em>Jamie's voice floated in the air, light as a breeze. Danny opened his mouth to gargle back an answer, but his tongue was too heavy, too much coated in his own blood to reach up. It was still getting colder. He didn't feel his legs anymore, and his hands hurt like hell from all the cold. <em>

"Danny?" Jamie dropped the cell before he could hear the silence at the end. He turned to Renzulli whose eyebrows were raised. "What is with him?"

"He… he…" Jamie's stomach turned as he tried to put it into words. Danny couldn't be hurt, he couldn't! Nobody could hurt Danny. It wasn't true. If he just stayed quiet, then it wouldn't be…

_How long had Joe been lying there, waiting for death to come?_

The tears ran quicker than the words tumbling out of Jamie's mouth. "He was shot. I don't know where he is but he doesn't answer anymore and I… I…" He was losing time. He was losing seconds that Danny needed, seconds that could change everything. Seconds that would make the difference between Danny and Joe.  
>"Where is he?" Jamie looked around wildly. Seconds. Every second he lost could be too much. "Sarge, where is… what…"<p>

"Hey, this is Renzulli again, I need to talk to detective Curatola right now!" Renulli's hand was shaking, too, but his voice was firm. Not again. Not again, really. He couldn't be here when another Reagan was dying. Why were it always the young ones, the ones who barely had started a life of their own?

"Sargent Ren…"  
>"Danny's been shot. You know where he's gone?" There was no time for politeness.<br>Jackie jumped in at once. "He left towards 56th ten minutes ago. Can you get there from corner Broadyway-22nd? I'm closer to the other entrance. And call a bus!"

"On it." Renzulli hang up. "Harvard? Hey, Jamie!" He grabbed for the younger's shoulder. Jamie was still shivering, tears running down his cheeks. "Joe" he whispered, and Renzulli's grip tightened. "No. Joe was a good man who's dead. Your brother Danny is a pain in the ass and we're gonna save him. Now call a bus to 56th street."

_He couldn't feel his hands anymore… but the pool of blood around him seemed to have moistened the ground. It was almost comfortable. Soft, light, quiet…_

"Danny!"

_No… the picture of a beautiful woman appeared before him. He knew her, he should greet her, but he was so tired. _

"Danny! Come on, Danny!"

_The voice didn't belong to the woman, nor to the two boys beside her. His sons… he would miss them. And the woman… was it Linda or his mother? He couldn't see her face…_

"Danny!"

_It was a man's voice.  
>His brother.<em>

_Danny sighed. "It's been a while." Had he just said that, or was it just in his mind? His chest hurt so much that it was hard to think straight._

"Danny!"

_His brother called him, and he was going to follow._


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you so much for all your reviews! And thanks for the inspiration to include Joe (next chapter will feature Frank, thanks for that hint, too)!  
>I should say I have no medical knowledge at all, so please forgive me if I'm writing too much rubbish here. <em>

"Get up, old man! You can't sleep the whole day. I mean, you can… technically… but you shouldn't." Joe grinned widely. "What's up?"  
>Danny blinked. It still was too bright around him, and cold.<br>"I'm dead, ain't I?"  
>Joe sighed. "You really lost your sense of humor, brother."<br>"Can you blame me? That's your fault!"

"Cannu blamy?... atsurfauth…"  
>"Danny? Danny, what do you mean?" Jamie brought his ear closer to his brother's senselessly moving lips. "I'm here, okay? And you're gonna be okay. We're almost there, you just gotta hang on for a little longer. Don't…" He swallowed the rest of the sentence. It seemed wrong to think about Joe now, but he couldn't stop it.<br>The ambulance had arrived just in time – just in time before Danny's heart had stopped, collapsed from the bullet stuck in and the blood flowing out of it. They had stabilized his heart rate by now but Danny was still constantly dropping in and out of consciousness.

"My fault?" Joe frowned. "And why is that, detective?"  
>"Of course your fault." Danny sighed. Breathing was harder than he had imagined it to be in – heaven? Hell? Purgatory? Whatever.<p>

"Cuzyur faulthh…"  
>Jamie jerked back. Your fault? Cold despair washed over him. What had he done? Why was it always his fault?<br>Because this was Danny, and he was an idiot. Jamie tried to breathe normally but it wasn't that easy with tears sitting in the back of his eyes and throat. And it wasn't easy to be angry at a man who was fighting for his life.  
>What if it was his fault? What if… if he hadn't fought with Danny today? But how should he have avoided it? This… discussion had been due ever since Jamie had finished the academy.<br>Ever since he had become a cop.

_Or did you just want to make mom turn over in her grave?  
>No, Danny. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation.<em>

He couldn't stop the tears anymore.  
>"I'm sorry, Danny! I'm so sorry!"<p>

"You left us! Out of nothing, just like… and now Jamie's set his mind on doing the same like you. Don't have that much to laugh about lately!" Danny was fuming. There was a lot he had imagined differently about death. Breathing, pain, and Joe being the worst pain in the ass ever… that was not exactly like he had pictured it.

Calmly, Joe shook his head. "You're not dead yet, Danny. And I love you, really, but I hope you'll be gone soon." His voice became deeper and louder, seeming to resonate from the light around. "And trust me when I tell you that Jamie has no intention to die. Neither had I."  
>Guilt flooded through Danny, almost as painful as the hole in his chest. "I didn't mean that."<br>"Then why can't you trust Jamie? You used to when I was alive. Now I'm dead, but he's not. You're not. What's changed?"  
>"I didn't… I didn't trust him. I just trusted you and you said he was to be trusted" Danny admitted. The guilt intensified, and he closed his eyes against the light that suddenly seemed… angry.<br>"You're mad at me."  
>"No, I'm not." Joe's voice was distant again. "I'm just… I'm disappointed, big brother. For the first time in my life, maybe. Well, not exactly life." He chuckled sadly, and the sound broke Danny's heart.<br>"I'm sorry" he cried, barely realizing the tears on his cheeks. When had he started crying?

"I'm sorry" it echoed through wherever he was. "I'm sorry, Danny!"

"Danny?"  
>"That's your name, in case you forgot" Joe said calmly. "And that's your not trustworthy brother begging for you to stay alive. Your remaining, living brother, by the way. And the one you asked to be your second son's godfather, just to remind you."<br>Sean. Danny swallowed. He had hoped Joe would forget it, but of course he hadn't. "I know."  
>"You're sure? Cause you're running out of time."<br>"What?"

"Hey, I got no pulse on him." The medic briskly shoved Jamie away. "Load it, and we need more blood or he won't even make it onto the table."  
>"What?" The ground beneath Jamie shivered and vanished as he stumbled against the car's door, feeling both trapped and afraid to be cast away. <em>Won't make it.<em>  
>He knew that feeling too well. Too well to believe that there was a way to survive without Danny.<p>

"Please" he whispered into the air that seemed to contain no oxygen anymore. "Please don't go."

"Hear that?" Joe closed his eyes as Jamie's plea rang through space. "He knows you don't trust him. He knows you think he's not good enough. You're a hardass, Danny. And still he loves you. We all love you."

_You were a hardass on him, just like you are to me.  
><em>Now Danny knew it were his tears burning in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm so sorry. And I miss you."

Joe smiled. "It's okay. I'm watching you, bro. Now get your ass down and tell Jamie you love him."


	7. Chapter 7

"The commissioner'll see you in two minutes." Abigail Baker smiled encouragingly but her widened eyes gave her away. She was in the job for too long not to expect something bad when seeing an officer visiting their boss. Plus, from all Renzulli had heard, she was simply really good – which meant she knew his name. And then it wasn't that hard to count two and two together that it wasn't only bad news but bad news concerning the Reagans personally.  
>Not for the first time Renzulli cursed himself for not having called the commissioner. After all, this was his lunch break going down for… well, for Danny. For Jamie. For Joe, somehow, because he would never really leave the sergeant's mind.<br>And not least because besides being his boss, Frank Reagan had helped him getting even with his bookmaker. He owed this man – and his youngest son – more than just his best.  
>Even if that meant…<p>

The commissioner opened the door. "Good morning, Tony. Come in." He turned around before Renzulli could look at his face. Had he already heard about the shooting? He had left the crime scene almost twenty minutes ago – way enough time for Jamie to call his father.  
>He looked up to Frank Reagan staring at him, taking in every little detail that would tell him what he didn't want to hear.<br>"So?"  
>Renzulli sighed. "Well, maybe you've been informed about the shooting by now, sir, I just wanted to come here and tell you personally…" Which was, though true, a stupid idea. The sergeant knew it in the instant he said the words aloud. He should be out on the streets now, with his colleagues, turning every stone, emptying every dustbin to find that son of a bitch who had killed at least one cop.<p>

"Liam Mackeroy. I know." The commissioner sighed. "He was in Joe's class at the academy. Wife, two little kids. They're already on their way." He frowned. "Jamie thought it was detective Reagan shot instead. He was around with officer Mackeroy. But as far as I know he wasn't harmed. If you want to remind me of telling him he doesn't have to worry about his brother, consider it done."  
>So he didn't know it already. Renzulli took a step towards his boss' desk. He knew this kind of behavior – keep the voice lightly, dismiss the people before you have to hear what they might tell you.<br>The sergeant felt sick.  
>The police commissioner of New York was begging him to affirm that both Jamie and Danny were alive – and he couldn't say yes.<p>

When he opened his mouth his voice was washed clean from even the slightest trace of irony he had taken on to survive. "Danny was shot. We don't know by whom or why. Paramedics made him transportable, Jamie's with him on the way to the hospital. I guess they're heading for St. Mary's." He swallowed and waited for a reaction.

Déjá-vu.  
>Frank nodded gravely, calmly, while in his head chaos erupted. He had just had gone through all of this with Jamie, he had felt the icy fist squeezing his heart to a black hole, absorbing every little piece of life around it. He knew that feeling so well that it didn't seem real now.<br>So Jamie had been right, and Danny was wounded. What had he had planned to do in that case? He had had this conversation, just a few minutes ago, but to what end? He couldn't remember.

"Commissioner?"  
>He didn't react to the word, not now. He was not only the commissioner. He was a father, and Renzulli from all people should understand why he couldn't be anything else right now.<br>The sergeant shifted uneasily. "Sir, should I… what can I do?"

Now Frank looked up. He realized that Renzulli, too, had changed. He was not only a sergeant on a mission. He was the man guiding Joe through his first year. The man who had taught two of his sons how to be a cop. The man who hadn't dared standing in the row with the other officers at Joe's funeral because he felt responsible.

"Go find him." Frank's voice was calm but heavy. "And thanks… for coming here."  
>Renzulli nodded. Just as he opened the door, the commissioner's phone rang.<p>

"Jamie?" Renzulli stopped dead without asking.  
>"Hey, dad." Pause. "Dad, Danny was shot. Not when I called you last time, but…"<br>"I know, Jamie." Frank's heart pounded heavier with every beat. "I know it all. How is he?"

The door was pulled open from outside as Garrett stumbled in. For a moment he looked confusedly at Renzulli but then only nodded and stood beside him, joining the sergeant in studying the commissioner's every move.

After a small eternity, Frank sighed. "Thank God. Alright Jamie, stay there. I'm coming. " He nodded towards Renzulli who realized his knees were actually weak with relief. Who'd thought he'd be so worried for Danny Reagan one day? That guy was a pain in the ass… but he was alive.

Sun was setting when Danny woke up. His chest and, funny enough, head also hurt like hell… which probably meant that he really was back. And Joe was…  
>"Joe's dead, Danny. You could have died also today, but you're not."<p>

It took him a few seconds to realize he had spoken his brother's name aloud. And another few to finally focus on Jamie's face at the side of his bed.  
>"I know" he murmured. "And how are you, kid?"<br>Jamie swallowed. "Fine. Dad's just getting Linda and the kids from the entrance, and Erin's on the way as well. I guess Nicky and grandpa will come too, sooner or later, when…"  
>"Yeah alright, shut up, okay? My head's exploding." Even his own mumbling sounded like thunder in Danny's ears.<br>Jamie nodded, shook his head, shrugged and nodded again. His eyes were filled with tears.  
>Danny sighed. It was too exhausting to try unriddling Jamie now, no matter what Joe had said. He would take care of his little brother once his body wasn't in flames anymore.<br>"Did you… did you get the guy?" he asked slowly, more to distract himself from the pain.  
>Jamie shook his head. "Not yet. But…" He bit his lips and shook his head again.<br>"Alright." Frustration was a good thing, Danny realized. The more he concentrated at the world, the easier it was going to bear the pain. As long as it was quiet.  
>"I didn't see his face" he whispered, "and he didn't say anything, but if he's the same guy that shot Mackeroy… I gotta call Jackie and…" He stopped as his glance met Jamie's. "What's up? Did you see that guy's face?"<p>

Jamie was glaring at him in what could be a wild mixture of sorrow, exhaustion, and… anger? Hate? Danny closed his eyes. "What's your problem now, kid?"

Wrong question.

"What's my problem?" Jamie jumped up. Tears streamed down his face, his hands were clenched to fists. "What's your problem, Danny? You almost got yourself killed, and you ask me what my problem is? Why me? Why is my fault? Why is everything my fault?"

"Wha…" Danny opened his eyes. "Jamie, please…"  
>"No!"<br>Jamie bit his lips. He knew he was being unfair, and he shouldn't go on about this now, Danny was alive after all, so what did it matter? He could talk about this later, when the image of standing at Danny's grave would have strolled back into the realm of Jamie's nightmares.

"No, come on." Danny tried to keep the mood light. "You can't say no and then do exactly what I want. That's unlogi…"  
>"Stop critizising me!" Jamie yelled. "You say I'm not cut out to be a cop but I'm not the getting shot at! I'm here! I'm right here while you almost died in front of me, and you say it's my fault! I didn't kill Joe! I didn't kill mom! It's not my fault, Danny! It's not my fault!"<p>

"Jamie!"  
>Both men's eyes flew to the door. Linda was standing next to Frank, her arms wrapped protectively around her sons.<p>

Jame stormed out of the room.


	8. Chapter 8

Linda's eyes followed her brother-in-law only for a second, then she rushed over to her husband and gently kissed his cheek. "Hey…. How are you?"  
>The tears glimmering in her eyes washed away every thought about Jamie as Danny breathed in the familiar and still seductive smell of roses, daisies and the light, warm scent that meant his wife, and home.<br>"Good now you're here" he whispered, relived that his voice was hoarse but steady. Linda smiled briefly but the deep sorrow wouldn't leave her eyes. Danny hoped his smile would be more convincing. "I mean it, babe. I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere."  
>"You better not." There it was! At least a hint of a real smile. He reached for Linda's arm and pulled her closer. "I love you."<br>"I love you too" she whispered and kissed him again, then pulled back and looked at her sons. Jack Sean were both holding on tight to their grandfather, clearly both horrified and trying to be brave.  
>Danny's smile grew wider. "Hey, boys. Don't squeeze grandpa's hands to jelly, he still needs them."<p>

As the boys ran over to carefully wrap their arms around what little they saw of Danny, he looked over to his father. Frank seemed lost in memories for a moment, and two seconds later Danny remembered, too.  
>He had said those words before, years ago, when his father had been shot on patrol. It had been in Danny's rookie year, and he had been first in the hospital. As far as he could remember his father's wound hadn't been too severe, but it still had scared the hell out of him to see him lying there in a big white bed with all those tubes and piping noises around him. Nobody told his father to stay in bed! Nobody!<br>It had cost Danny everything to stay calm. And then grandpa had brought Joe and Jamie in. Jamie had only been nine then, and terrified. He had frozen at the door, unable to walk towards dad, unable even to run away.  
>And for the first time in his life, Joe hadn't been able to calm him down.<p>

Frank looked up, a sad smile on his face. Danny hated that smile. He hated how it showed that there were no entirely happy memories about Joe anymore, that every time he thought of his brother he had to go back into the past because Joe was not here and never would be.  
>He hated that smile because he couldn't fight it, and because he was afraid it would eat up his father one day.<br>Why didn't Jamie understand it? Why couldn't he see that every day he was risking his life on the streets he was also risking their father's life? And grandpa's? Why didn't he see, after all the support he had got to go to Harvard, how selfish it was to become a cop?

"_No, Danny. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation."_

"Dad?" Sean's little face was twisted with worry and the effort not to cry. "Does it hurt very badly?"  
>"No, it's okay." As Danny turned his head to look at his son he realized that he was lying. It hurt like hell, and his eyes couldn't focus anymore. The world was becoming blurry and light again, just as it had only a few… hours? Days? Years? Ago.<p>

"Dad?" Sean backed away a bit. "Then why are you crying?"  
>"I'm not crying" he murmured automatically, but the fluid dropping into his mouth told him something different.<br>At once, Linda was at his side again, gently caressing his face. "We'll get you something stronger against the pain, Danny, okay? You're going to be fine." She nodded towards her sons. "You stay with grandpa while I go fetch a nurse, alright?"  
>"Wait…" Danny's voice broke in a mixture of pain and tears, and Linda rushed away – probably so fast that her sons wouldn't see her cry.<br>Why the hell was _he_ crying, actually? Yes, it hurt like hell, but hell didn't make him cry.

Danny closed his eyes again. The darkness calmed him down… the absence of light. White, radiant light. Joe.  
>Biting his lip to stop crying, Danny opened his eyes again. Jack and Sean had come closer to the bed again, tightly holding Frank's hands.<p>

"Danny?" Frank had years of practice. His voice was strong, gentle and composed despite the terror in his heart. He knew that tired look, that longing to the other side. Six years ago he had seen it in Mary. Three weeks later she had died.  
>Danny's wounds were not lethal, but there were other reasons to die. Other reasons for the soul to get so weak that it couldn't bring the body into healing mode.<p>

It couldn't be the boys, and whatever fight Danny might have had with Linda obviously didn't matter right now. She still was his rock.  
>He hadn't had a serious argument with his son either, not in the last three months, and neither had Henry. Erin… well, there was hardly a Sunday where those two didn't fight.<p>

Danny knew he was behaving wrong. He made his sons worry about him even more, and it took a lot to make Linda cry. It was wrong… but having Joe's voice ringing in his head also wasn't what he'd call sane. And still he heard him.  
>How long had he been alone in the street, five minutes? Seven, maximum. And still the memory of Joe's presence was stronger now than that of his sons whose arms had been around him just a minute ago.<p>

"_I'm just… I'm disappointed, big brother. For the first time in my life."_

He had screwed up. He had disappointed Joe. And somehow he had even managed to scare Jamie away.

"_You were a hardass on him, just as you are to me."_

Maybe he should just go and…  
>"Dad?" Sean had his head cocked with confusion.<br>"Sorry, what?"  
>Jamie's godson. His son. His little boy who still had so much living ahead. So much Danny wanted to show him. He couldn't give up now… it wouldn't be too fair to Jamie either, would it, after telling him how irresponsible he was for getting hurt.<p>

But what could he do?

"_I'm watching you, bro. Now get your ass down and tell Jamie you love him."_

Frank had come to the same conclusion. "I go and talk to Jamie."  
>Danny shook his head, causing new waves of pain to engulf his whole upper body. "Just bring him here, please. There's something I gotta tell him."<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

The window was cold and slick against his skin as the tears ran down. What had he done?  
>"Sir? Sir, can I help you?" A soft hand reached for his shoulders, gently forcing Jamie to turn around. The nurse's face was calm and distant but her voice was warm. "If you have lost someone it often is better to talk about it. Just right down the stairs is our relative's center and…"<br>Jamie waved off. "No, thanks." As he tried to smile at the young woman he realized that the corners of his mouth seemed to be irreversibly pulled down. He hadn't cried so hard since Joe died.  
>Joe. Gone forever.<br>And Danny too, almost, and what had he done? His big brother could have died, Linda and Jack and Sean could have been left to live without him… but he had pulled through, and only to be attacked by his little brother.  
>"It's… it's nothing" Jamie whispered, almost choking at the word. The nurse didn't believe it either. "Every story is worth telling, sir" she said earnestly, "and every memory we have we have for a reason. Even if they didn't know… him or her, they can get to know them by your memories. Trust me, it helps."<br>She believed him to be the victim. She thought he was the one hurt by loss, when he was just an idiot.  
>Jamie shook his head, eyes cast down to the floor. After a moment he felt the woman's touch again, soft as a feather, and then she was gone.<br>The tears stayed. Jamie sank down next to the window. Maybe if he sobbed long enough he would fall asleep. Hopefully he would never wake up again.

Danny was right. It was his fault. If he had just taken the bar – or at least kept his mouth shut now – or had got crashed in Joe's car when Malevsky ruined the brakes – Jamie buried his face in his hands. It was useless. No matter how he turned the past two years around, no matter where he let his thoughts run to… it didn't make sense. And it didn't make a difference.  
>Because Danny would never be satisfied with Jamie. He was disappointed by him as a cop, but Jamie was pretty sure he wouldn't be happy about him being a lawyer, either. Danny never was happy with lawyers. Or with anybody else who didn't follow his perspective of justice.<br>No matter what he did… it would always be wrong.  
>He should have accepted it. He should have lived with Danny as he was, without trying to change him. At least Danny was alive… he had only one brother left.<br>And now…

"Jamie?"  
>He stood up before his father could kneel down beside him. "Is Danny okay?"<br>Frank frowned. He had never seen his son – neither of them – in a state like this. There had been a fight overdue between Danny and Jamie, but this explosion had been unexpected. From the look in his youngest' eyes, unexpected also for him.  
>"Are you?" he asked gently.<p>

Jamie swallowed. "I'm sorry", he whispered to the floor, "I know I should have… I don't know what was driving me, dad. It was just… he always nags about me being selfish for bringing myself in danger and… does he ever think about him getting hurt?" He finally managed to look at his father. "Does he never think about what he means to us?"

Frank sighed. "I think sometimes he doesn't know." He wanted to say more, but right now it was not his time to settle things. He gently took his startled son by the arm and nodded towards the rooms. "He wants to talk to you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you so much for reviewing! I know I'm kind of sloppy with answering them at the moment, but I really do appreciate them!**

As they reached Danny's room, Linda was just leaving, quickly shoving out her sons. The thought of his sister-in-law feeling the urge to protect Jack and Sean from him broke Jamie's heart, and he stopped dead, shivering. "I'm sorry…" he whispered barely audible, "Linda, I'm…"  
>She smiled. "It's okay, Jamie. The two of you really need to talk." Sean nodded sternly.<br>"Then…" Jamie's eyes filled with tears, but of relief now. Linda wasn't protecting his nephews from him, she was just giving him space. Space to clear out this fight, forever? But how on earth should that work?

As if she had read his mind, Linda walked to him and hugged him tightly. "It's okay" she said again, and then whispered, "I'm so glad you said that. I don't want to be the bad cop all the time but you're right." She let go of him, winked and then left, pulling Frank and the boys with her.  
>Jamie quickly wiped the tears away and opened the door.<p>

"Danny?"  
>"Hey, kid." Danny tried not to breathe in too deeply. "Let's try get this over with quickly, okay?"<br>He knew he had to talk to Jamie right now, but he wasn't sure he was up for it. There was a little dose of morphine ready to be injected into his veins if he pushed a button, and the temptation to use it grew with every minute but he needed to be wide awake now. After all Jamie had probably waited for this for more than a year. Danny owed him this talk. And he owed it Joe, somehow.

Jamie swallowed, his mouth was completely dry. "How are you?"  
>"Been worse." He nodded carefully. "Come here. No need to yell again, do we?"<br>Remorsefully Jamie shook his head and sat down at his brother's bed. For a moment, nobody spoke.

"I'm sorry, Danny."  
>"Don't be."<br>"I shouldn't have yelled at you. I mean…"  
>"Jamie, if we need to say sorry every time we hit the wrong tone we could never talk again." As he saw Jamie frowning for a second Danny quickly added, "well, I could never talk to you again."<br>Jamie quickly shook his head. "That's not true. After all, I… I was so angry. It's like…" he bit his lips, gathering all his courage and looked at Danny, "I just wanted you to be proud of me, Danny. That's basically all I ever want, I guess. Not disappointing mom and dad, and… you guys."  
>Danny closed his eyes. "Joe was proud of you, Jamie."<br>"You think?"  
>"I know." He opened his eyes again. "Don't ask me why, I just… I know." He felt Jamie's eyes on him but refused to meet the glance. He couldn't talk about the meeting between heaven and earth, he just couldn't. He wasn't even sure it was true. Maybe it had just been his subconscious mind, bringing up what he had already known. Or should have realized by now.<p>

"Danny? Should I get the nurse?"  
>Jamie's scared voice brought him back and Danny realized he was crying. It hadn't been a dream. And even if it was, it didn't matter at all.<br>"No, I'm alright."  
>Another minute passed by in silence as Danny tried to remember where the conversation had dragged off. Oh, yes. Being proud.<br>He wasn't sure he could say that.

"So" Jamie swallowed, "can you… forgive me?"  
>"Sure." It was getting hotter every minute, the air he breathed seemed to burn. How long till he would need to take the morphine?<br>"Look, Jamie, you're my brother, right? My only remaining brother. I love you and I don't want to lose you. Can we just let it end here?"

"No." Jamie's voice had become hard. "We're stopping here ever since mom died. We've got to talk about it. Or… I don't know." He stood up. "How can we sit on the same table with the job between us? I mean, it's who we are. Grandpa, dad, you. And me. I'm a cop too, and I can live with your disapproving it, but…" He shook his head. "You owe me the truth why. You always knew I wanted to be a cop. And as long as I was a kid, you encouraged me." Jamie sat down again and waited for Danny to look at him.  
>"When we were younger we used to invent stories about how the three of us would protect New York, and mom and Erin. How we would get into bank robbers' heads and stop terrorists, and no matter what it was always the three of us! And when I left for Harvard you said it was a pity that I had to become a lawyer now because they're all idiots, and because I could have been a cop."<br>Jamie's hands were clenched into fists now, it was all he could to not to shout again.  
>"You believed in me, Danny. I know you always thought I'm the least of us, and that's fine, but you believed in me! So now tell me what happened! What did I do wrong that made you lose every faith in me? What is it all worth? You say you love me but I'm not sure I can believe it anymore."<p>

Danny closed his eyes. Something weighed heavy on his chest, heavier than the bullets. He was crying again but it didn't make anything easier. And it didn't bring Joe back to life.

Jamie watched his brother for a while, waiting for an answer. Eventually Danny moved again, reaching out to hit a button. From the sigh of relief Jamie assumed it would be some painkiller, and that the conversation was over.  
>He had lost. If Danny wasn't ready to talk to him now – now, after almost having died – when would he ever be ready? And what exactly was he waiting for?<p>

"I helped Joe." Danny's voice was flat. "I helped him train and learn for the academy, I helped him with his tests. Not that he needed my help, most of the times, but… I encouraged him. I told him he could do it, could do better. And then he was promoted detective. One of the youngest in a decade, seven months younger than I was. I was damn proud of him. And I told him so. Two days later he was dead." Danny pressed his lips together. Jamie was frozen at the door. If he couldn't make it clear now, he never would.

"I don't want to tell you I'm proud of you because that's all you want. And once you got what you want you become careless. You believe too much in people, you see good where there is none. Even in me, at least till Joe died. And maybe you're right, maybe I'm not as good now as I was before. But I meant it when I said I love you, kid. Damn it, you're here! You're still here, bearing with me despite everything I do. I can't lose you too. I don't know if I could ever be good without you."


	11. Chapter 11

He woke up half an hour past midnight. The room was dark, but the corridors were well-lit – one of the first things Danny had learnt when he started dating Linda was that a hospital slept even less than a police station.  
>Breathing still hurt, but not half as much as it had five hours ago, and Danny knew it wasn't the pain that had stirred him. He was waking up around this time every night for more than three years now, whether there was someone calling him or not.<br>Three years. Were it already three years that he hadn't seen Joe?

At his side, curled on a small stool, Jamie moved in his sleep. Somehow the sight of his little brother next to him, looking like a child and yet so old, made Danny's eyes water. The more he missed Joe the more he realized how much Jamie mattered to him. Ten years more or less – Jamie knew him. Better than most other people. He knew what a jackass he could be, and still he was here with him.

When Danny had admitted that he would never say he was proud of his little brother, he had been sure Jamie would leave. Joe in Jamie's place would have, he knew that. There was only so much each of them could stand from each other, and it was obvious that he had come very close to the edge with Jamie today.  
>But still, he was here. He had not left but sat down next to Danny again, in silence mostly, till eventually both of them had dozed off.<p>

Jamie murmured something incomprehensible and stirred again, trying to get away from an unknown enemy.  
>"Jamie? Hey, Jamie!" Stifling a groan Danny reached over to shake his brother' arm.<br>The younger one jerked, his eyes flew open and around the room, still looking for whomever must have chased him.  
>"It's okay, I'm here. It's okay." Danny's voice wasn't as steady as he wished it to be, and Jamie frowned. "Danny?"<br>"Hey, kid. You've been dreaming. It's okay. Just you and me."  
>Jamie nodded slowly but still looked confused. "You're crying."<br>"What?" Danny felt for his cheeks and found them wet. "I never cry. Idiot." He tried to laugh but it hurt so bad that new tears came, and he couldn't do more than hold back another cry.

A few minutes passed by in silence, and when Danny dared to move his head again he expected to find Jamie asleep again, but the younger was still staring at him, both worried and patient.  
>Danny closed his eyes. He knew he still owed Jamie a lot talking – excuses, explanations… there was a lot they had to get over with. The mere thought of it, though, made him wish for another bullet.<p>

"Danny?" Jamie's voice was very gentle. Danny grunted but didn't open his eyes. Why did he have to tell Jamie everything he felt? After all, Jamie knew him – he should know about Danny's thoughts concerning him, too.

"Danny, I don't want us to go through everything that happened once again" Jamie smiled sadly as Danny sighed in relief, "but I need you to accept the fact that I'm a cop. And whether you think I'm cut out for it or not, I'm not gonna change this. I belong here. And I want to belong in your world, too, cause you're… cause we're family. And I know that it isn't easy with me all the time either but… this is me. And I want you… I really hope you can take me as I am. Right now."

Danny opened his eyes to see Jamie had shut his tightly, probably trying to stay strong. He swallowed. "Of course you are."  
>Jamie opened his eyes and Danny quickly looked up to the ceiling. "A cop, I mean. You're a Reagan. You'd be a damn great lawyer but of course you feel at home with the NYPD."<br>Jamie bit his lips. "Okay."  
>"And of course you're part of my world. No matter how much I think you screw up you'll always be my brother." He sighed. "I don't know if I can promise you more than that, kid. But… remember when I said I couldn't lose you? I said that because I couldn't."<br>He looked at his little brother whose face was twisted with fear and relief.

"I love you, Jamie. I know I don't tell you often, I know I didn't tell Joe often, and I regret it every day. I thought you'd know it, I mean… but I do. No matter what, you and Erin and dad, and grandpa… you mean the world to me, just like Linda and the boys."

Jamie nodded slowly, cursing the lump forming in his throat. "Thank you, Danny. You know, we love you too. Joe also did."  
>"I know." This time Danny didn't care about the tears. "I know." He swallowed. "So we're good?"<br>"Yeah."


End file.
